Melancholy

I don't know why, but I'm getting super annoyed with everything. Probably because of this new job I have. I'm so not used to working on phones like this, and it kind of sucks knowing that when I call someone, they're probably going to end up yelling at me about something. When I first started, I would get filled with dread the second I pulled my car into the parking lot. All the way up until the very first call, and then after that I would struggle on. Now I don't get filled with dread, I just take a breath, go over the procedures in my head, and dial the damn number as quickly as possible so I can't chicken out and put it off any longer. I'm not having as much trouble now as I did before, and of course I'm still making mistakes. However, I think I've found my niche and I'm slowly growing into the customer service/business professional that I never thought I would be.

I wonder if I'm ever going to change into what I saw myself as, or am I going to continue the rest of my life wearing a power suit and trying to talk customers through their issues. I kind of miss the sloppy days of my later childhood, running around the house covered in paint or charcoal and talking about forms and shapes and lines and how everything is a design, everything has it's place whether it's abstract or straight to the point. I might start doing that again. It's summery, it's nice out. I might start going outside and sketching or going to the park to walk around and take pictures.

Because I miss that part of my life. But back then, life was all fresh hot southern style sweet tea and mashed potatoes and faux-granite counter tops and lightening bugs and cartoons and adventures. And my parents. Hanging out in the garage listening to Eve 6 with my dad, or helping mom finish cleaning the house so we could do crafts. Or laying on a blanket in the back yard with my best friend to look at the stars just to accidentally sit in a dog mess. (Thanks Sunny! XD)

I really, really, really miss those days. Because now, my parents aren't together. My mom is in a different state, and I haven't had her sweet tea in three years. And my best friend is busy, and her fiance doesn't want us to hang out. I'm working and engaged, and I'm tired and pissed off most of the time. My apartment is in shambles the way my mind is half the time, and I just don't have the energy. I really just want to sit around and feel sorry for myself because everything's changed. Instead, I'll just write a nostalgic/melancholy post and move on.

It just seems strange though. I'm only nineteen. I thought that you had to be more grown-up to be... well, you know, grown up. I've transitioned from being a dependent to being an independent. I'm worried about taxes and bills and gas prices and groceries. I'm doing all these adult things, but I still feel like a child. I still want to be a child. Not like those people who dress up in adult-size baby clothes and make people treat them like babies, but I'd like to be able to go back in time and re-experience the good parts of my childhood, and not in my dreams. Because when your dreaming, it's not clear. Everything is foggy, and everything is a little off. I want to live and breathe and taste and smell and feel my childhood again!! I miss it! I want my parents back!! I want to go back to my old house I grew up in and take a nice hot shower and come out to the kitchen to a freshly made steaming hot gallon jug of sweet tea that my mom made just for me! And I'm angry because I'm never going to do that again, for as long as I live. I'm upset because I feel like it's not fair, but unfortunately that's the way things are. I keep trying to make myself tea to feel better, to get back to that, but the teabags I have are the cheap kind, and it doesn't taste the same. It taste's bitter every time, and I'm not sure if it's because my memories are spoiled or what I have isn't as good as what I had.

That's probably the hardest piece of this adult reality that I have to swallow. All I can do is fall back into this rut of self-pity once in a while, and then pick myself up again. If I could just go back for one day... and not to any of the bad things. Not to any of the horrible things. Just the good stuff. I wonder if that's what Heaven is like. If it is, then I'm going to be one happy camper. If it's not though, that's fine. Because they say that you'll never be sad or feel pain again when you go there, and I think that sounds nice.

Small Miracles and Some Lyricals

Maybe it was a good idea for me to post the other day!! In regards to "The Amazing Job" that I was laid off from temping at, I received a request for my resume through my temp service. Two hours later, I received a call to come in for an interview on the 28th!! I'm so excited, but also very nervous. I really hope I make a good impression with them, maybe they'll hire me on full time! That would be awesometastic, because I really really really loved that job, and I miss it so much. All of the other employees were awesome, and my managers were great. I'm really hoping this goes well, because I would hate to have to go work somewhere else knowing that someone out there is working my stumbled upon dream job and might not appreciate it as much as I do.

So to keep myself in a pretty good mood, I've been listening to music that I grew up with, as well as some new stuff. The bands include She Wants Revenge, Bowling for Soup, Eve 6, and recently James Vincent McMorrow. Yeah, I know it's a pretty strange range of music, but I'm pretty diverse when it comes to listening and enjoying music. I like James because his music is kind of melancholy, but with a soft relaxed feeling to it. Just a touch of happiness, and it feels like something very fragile that could break if the wind were to blow too hard. I really love his style a lot.

As for movies, the latest movies I've watched have been "Going the Distance" (which was fantastic and I highly recommend) and "The Crow" (the first one). I haven't seen any of the sequels for The Crow, but I've heard mixed reviews for them. I still plan to watch them however, so I can judge for myself whether or not I like them at all. If you haven't seen "The Crow", it's the original comic book turned movie that turned out amazingly well. It's not corny or too far-fetched considering the comic it is based on, and the cinematography and costume design is fantaaaastic!!

For reading, I re-read the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter novels by Laurell K. Hamilton. I haven't read past Danse Macabre, but I do plan on it. I do recall trying to read the one after Danse Macabre, but I couldn't get past the fourth page. I'm hoping maybe this time around I'll have an easier time making my way through it, because the series really did start out great, and I don't want to have to give up on it like this. D:

In regards to video games, I've been playing a strange combination. I've mostly been playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, and considering I'm a girl it's been a little odd, especially now that I have a microphone. However, I'm actually getting a lot better at it, and since you can mute other players if they get out of hand and you still want to play in that particular lobby, I haven't had too many issues. I've also been playing Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, and Devil May Cry. Skyrim is amazing! The graphics are just breathtaking, and the storyline is easy to get into, even if you've never played any of the other games in the series. They had some issues with saved data and trophies getting cleared out, as wells as the game freezing or lagging very badly in some towns. They have patched it however, and it seems to be doing a lot better now. I haven't had any of the issues I was having previously when I played, so I'm happy in those regards. :D
Devil May Cry is an older game, but still pretty good. If your not familiar with it, it's from the same company that made Bayonetta, and the games have similar combat systems on them. Considering the time DMC came out, the graphics are very good, and the story is decent so far. I'm not finished yet though, so I'm not going to pass final judgement on it yet.

Well, those are all of the things I've been doing recently to keep myself busy. Other than that, not much is going on. So, what have you been doing recently? Have any recommendations for me? I'm always open to new ideas and different things. Here's to hoping that your day is awesome!! See ya

A Little Time to Think

I haven't posted on here recently, haven't really been keeping up with this the way I told myself I would. I just got laid off from an amazing job that I really wanted to do for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, there isn't enough work, and since I was only a temp I was let go. The temp agency keeps telling me they'll bring me back and give me a date, and then when the date comes up they say "Oh, well the company has decided to post pone your start date. Sorry!!" and just leave me to either survive until they find me something or attempt to find another job on my own. So I've been filling out applications like a mad man, and staying up late and sleeping all day and smoking like a freight train because I'm not working. I hate not working. I hate just sitting around and filling out applications and posting my resume and only ever hearing back from scams that want to put my "excellent" skills to use swindling poor people out of their hard-earned cash. All this time I've been freaking out, trying to see what I'm doing wrong and why no one wants me, and stressing myself out to the point of extreme exhaustion. Then, yesterday, my fiance pointed out something that I definitely had not been thinking about. He told me to enjoy myself.

Wait a second, we can't afford to eat or pay our bills and you want me to enjoy myself? Doing what?

Well, we are eligible for food stamps... and my parents did say they would help us out. It's not like I'm going to stop filling out applications. Maybe I should treat this like a little vacation. Instead of beating myself up over why people don't want to hire me, maybe I should just brush it off and keep trying. That sounds kind of... refreshing. So I'm definitely going to change things up a bit. I'm going to start writing on here at least once a week. Maybe I'll start doing crafts again. I've also been reading recently, I could do book reviews. I also think I'm going to be doing video game reviews and movie reviews. Maybe even music too!! I've never been really good at one thing, but I have a general capability in lots of different things, so I could technically blog about whatever I want. Technically, this is my blog, so I think I have the right to do that. And I think starting now, I will. :D

The Fall

I sit at my chair, next to the window. Looking out over the small side street that I've called home for 40 years. The trees look like flaming signals of the end of summer, Soon their branches will be bare and naked, left out in plain view for the world to see. Sometimes I wonder if they're ever nervous, knowing that they can't hide anything from anyone for a long while. Then I realize that they're sleeping, and sleeping beings care not for how the world sees them.

I draw in a breath a little to deep and get thrown into another one of my coughing fits, and it brings memories rushing into my old, tired mind. Of sunny days and old photographs, and the smell of her perfume. Birthday parties and children running through the house, the pitter patter of little bare feet on the hardwood, and tears start to blur my vision. All of my children are grown now, busy living their lives and raising broods of their own. And I'm wasting away in my home, the holes in my heart slowly healing, but still painful enough to stop me from trying to live anymore. After Millie died, I would close the curtains and lay in our bed, wrapped around her pillow. What else could I do? I'm an old man, the wrinkles mapping out the years of hard work and little recognition across my features. The only thing I have left anymore is the loneliness in my heart, and in the halls of this creaky old house.

Oh, how this house is like an extension of me. Our paint is faded and chipping, our foundation isn't as stable as it used to be. Our windows are foggy, our gutters are leaking, and we exist as if we've been abandoned. But we have each other. I can't get around like I used to, I can't keep her fixed up the way I once did. But she doesn't mind, as long as I stay. But for how long? The room is getting dark, and I can't tell if it's the sun setting on the day, or on my life. I think of Millie, her warm smile, and sunlight in her blonde hair. Her arms outstretched for me, beckoning me to hold her, and walk through our new home.

If I could have one last wish, it would be that after this life, I could exist in my happiness forever. When our children were young and needed us, and when Millie was alive, and we could take care of things ourselves, and we were stable. Back when it felt like nothing would ever change. I can see her again, in her favorite green dress and her apron with the stains on it, her bob brushing at her shoulders. Red lips and smooth skin and happy days. I reach out for her, and then I realize that it's just me in this dusty old room, and my hand comes into focus.

My wrinkled hand, smaller and weaker than how I remembered it. When did I become so frail? When could I no longer be on my own? I stand, slowly, but with purpose. I take up the cane that she had made for me, the one with our initials carved into the handle, worn smooth but still there if you knew where to run your thumb. I grab my key and bid the house farewell, and a short breath of wind breezes by, like a sigh. I grab my cap and put it on my head, and my light jacket and the scarf Millie knitted for me, now with holes in it, and it's color faded. I walk out of the door, locking it behind me, and start to make my way down the street.

The sidewalks start to blend together, and I don't realize exactly what I've come to do until the large wrought iron gates and stone sign come into my view. At Rosehill, there is a large monument with a bible laid open on a pedestal. The book is the size of a twin bed, maybe a bit bigger. On it's pages are the ten commandments, and Millie and I loved to go to that book and run our hands over the ornate engravings. I made my way up the hill to the book, up the short steps that led to it. The words were a little faded, but they were still as heavy in their stern sovereign as they had been all those years ago. I run my hand along the words, imagining her small hand underneath mine, moving with me, her slender fingers running across the words like an athlete. I pat the book, thanking it for the good memories, and turn away. I walk down the steps, and head to the back of the cemetery.

In a row of graves shadowed by a large oak tree, whose leaves were orange and brown and gold, is her grave. I slowly kneel where she lies, brushing away the leaves and debris, using the sleeve of my jacket to polish up the smooth marble, black with lightening bolts of white and grey running through the surface. I kiss her portrait that is encased by stone, and lay down. The sun is setting and night is soon to come, but I'm so warm. I feel so at peace. I know my fall has ended, the time for slumber is here.

Monday Movie Review

Good afternoon little bloggies, how have you been? Did you enjoy your weekend while it lasted? My days have been totally thrown off. I could have sworn it was Wednesday on Thursday. I'm so silly sometimes! Today I'm waiting to hear from a place that I've applied to for my start date. I'm hoping they'll contact me soon so I can get started, I feel so lazy just hanging around the apartment! I could also really use the money. However, I'm feeling a little under the weather, maybe because I haven't smoked in a few days. I've discovered that if you smoke pretty frequently and suddenly stop for a couple of days, you get a pretty bad cough until your lungs clear out. Then again, I'm also sneezing and kind of dizzy, so maybe this rainy weather has me down. I'm sure I'll feel better here after a while though.

Until then, I've been thinking about a lot of different stuff. I don't really have a theme for this blog, it's basically always going to be changing, just like a river, hence the name of my blog. So for today, I'm going to review a movie I watched! Yaaaay!

This is the movie cover. I got it from this site.

"The Virgin Suicides" is the name of the movie I watched today. It's based on a book of the same name, and it's the story of five sisters from a small suburb in Michigan during the late 70's. The movie begins with the youngest sister, Cecilia Lisbon, attempting to commit suicide by slitting her wrists. She fails at this attempt and sees a psychologist (played by Danny Devito in a quick cameo) who informs her parents that they are too strict. A few weeks later, the parents allow the girls to have their first and last party, where Cecilia excuses herself and succeeds in committing suicide by jumping from her second story window and impaling herself on the fence below. The movie continues as the life of the family slowly spirals downwards, their mysterious lives becoming the hot topic in the town's day to day gossip. The entire movie is told from the point of view of a group of boys who obsess over the girls, both in their lives and in their deaths. What's very interesting about this movie is that the narration is set up so that you never truly know who is narrating the story. From what I've looked up, the book was written the same way, and as you read the book you kind of become one of the neighbors of the town, on the outside of the situation looking in.

Cinematography: I give this and 8 out of 10. It was very beautiful and dreamy, I love the indie feel to the movie and how spot on the style of everything was, including the camera filter.

Script: The script was well written, and there are a few good quotes to be taken from the movie. I'll give the writing a 9 out of 10.

Acting: The acting was all done very well, especially considering how young some of these kids were. My favorite actor out of the whole movie was the mother. You didn't really see much of her, but you could tell that she had no idea what effect her isolation practices were having on her children. She played a confused woman who didn't know just how much at fault she was. I give the acting a 9 out of 10.

Book to movie comparison: Well, I haven't read the book, but since watching this movie I definitely want to give it a shot.

Similar books/movies: A similar book would be "TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY" by Jay Asher. It's a wonderful read for teenagers to adults. The book will seriously change your life. I would suggest this to every kid entering high school.

Well there you have it, my mini-movie review! I don't know if this is the template I'll follow for all of my movie reviews, but that's why this place is as creative as water. Everything is always changing!!

Well my little bloggies, I'm off to clean, but I have questions for you! Do you think you'll watch this movie? have you read either of these books? What did you think of them? How would you feel about "Monday Movie Reviews" for my blog? Leave a comment and let me know, or just talk at me. :D Bye bye bloggies!

A-Zs of me me me!!

So the mister and I are staying up late because he has the day off tomorrow. Since he's hogging Modern Warfare 2 I figured I'd hop on and see if any of my favorite bloggers had updated, and lo and behold The Nearsighted Owl and Otterly Brilliant had both updated with A-Z lists. Basically, you go A through Z with facts about yourself. Rachele said that her new followers should do this and send her a link, so I think I will!! It also helps since I still don't have an about section that I've put a lot of love into.

Here we go!!

A: Age: 19

B: Bed Size: King, but I take up the bed all to myself since the mister decides that he wants all of the blankets.

C: Chore that you hate: I don't really have a chore that I hate, but right now I strongly dislike putting clothes away. Since we've moved we still have to find space for old stuff as well as new stuff, and my clothes are causing a lot of problems.

D: Dogs: I've owned both dogs and cats all of my life!! I've had a few great dogs and a lot of good cats. I've also owned geckos and a raccoon at one point, and I hope to get an iguana in the near future.

E: Essential start to your day: Hitting the snooze button about five or six times. It gets annoying, but I can't seem to help myself. Then I like to make a pot of coffee, and I'll have a cup with sugar and milk to cool it down so I can drink it right away.

F: Favorite color: It's definitely a tie between red and blue, but I go with blue in most of my wardrobes. It looks better since my eyes are hazel and my hair is dark brown.

G: Gold or Silver: I like silver a lot, because it goes with anything and it never comes across as too gaudy.

H: Height: 5'4"

I: Instruments you play: I've played bass a little tiny bit, and I know the bare bones of Fur Elise on piano. Other than that, I stick to singing.

J: Job Title: Temporary employee, transitioning student, less than part time artist, and even less than that time as a writer. I have many interests, none of which have become reliable careers. D:

K: Kids: None right now, I'm definitely going to hold off for a while until I'm ready, both financially and mentally.

L: Live: I live in Springfield, Ohio, near Dayton. I like to go visit a little hippie town called Yellow Springs that is very artsy and has the best little shops for everything! The comic book store there has a pet cat.

M: Mother's name: My mom's name is Leeann. She has really pretty blue eyes and she's really strong.

N: Nicknames: Curly Top, Shirley Temple, Lor-chan, Lore, Killer Mermaid Witch Thing. XD My favorite however, is Lor.

O: Overnight hospital stays: Only once or twice. One time was an ice skating incident, and the other I believe was a car accident. It's hard to keep track though, I've had so many accidents in my short 19 years!!!

P: Pet Peeves: Ignorant people, especially when it comes to race, religion, sexual orientation, or anything of that nature. I also can't stand it when someone is wrong and they know that they are but they continue pushing that they're right until you beat them within an inch of their life with knowledge.

Q: Quote from a movie: "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything." - Sucker Punch. That movie had a bunch of really good quotes though.

R: Right or left handed: I'm right handed, but my poppy is left handed. My mister is right handed! :D

S: Siblings: Two older half-sisters, one is a psycho and the other one isn't too far behind.

T: Time you wake up: Usually around 9:30 a.m., however my alarm starts ringing at 8:30. XD

U: Underwear: Um, from time to time? XD I like the hhw sporties. They're comfy boy shorts that fit well! :D

V: Vegetable you hate: I don't have any vegetables I hate.... Oh, I hate canned spinach. I love fresh spinach though!! :D

W: What makes you run late: Having to be awake earlier than humanly possible.

X: X-rays you've had: One for my right leg after an accident and one for my tummy when we thought I had appendicitis. D:

Y: Yummy food that you make: Swedish Tea Rings!! Though, I'm thinking of trying to tweak is so that I can make it kind of like an apple tea ring, with apples baked inside with the cinnamon and brown sugar and using apple butter for a glaze!

Z: Zoo Animal: Flying Foxes!! I can't remember the actual name, but they're a very large breed of bat, and they're super cute!!

So there we go, now you guys know a fair bit about me. Isn't that grand? :D If anyone else reads this, you should give it a go, it's definitely fun!

Peace my little bloggies. <3

What's going on?

So today and yesterday I've been fairly productive. I put together an antique drafting table with nothing but a dime. Seriously, I didn't even have the directions to put the damn thing together. Seeing as it hasn't fallen apart yet, I think I'm in the clear. And, I only had one piece that I left off because I didn't know what to do with it! Of course, it's probably the single most important part of the whole damn thing, but I'll find out the hard way. :D

I found myself a new mister, who is very wonderful and loving and perfect because sometimes he's a total douche, but I counter it with my ultra-douche behavior. Sometimes though, I deserve to get called out when I do stupid stuff. XD

Anywho, we just got an apartment together!! *squee* So I've been playing housewife by cooking and cleaning and putting shit together while I wait for the start date for my new job. I can't wait to start working, I want money for groceries and to decorate the apartment with video game/band/movie paraphernalia!! As I'm writing this I'm putting off doing the dishes and vacuuming, but don't worry, I'll definitely do it today. I'm just glad I finally got the living room organized. Of course, while I've been procrastinating I've been following my favorite blogs and considering redesigning my own. Maybe I will, it's kind of flat looking. >.>

So for a blog you guys need to check out, here is the one! The Nearsighted Owl is amazing, I absolutely adore this lady! She's nice, she is pretty, her hair is awesometastic, she's artistic and talented, she loves thrifting, and she loves kitties!! :D Basically, she has all around great tastes, and I guarantee that if you click on all of her links to other bloggers you will be satisfied/fall in love with 99.5% of them. So just give her a click and be entertained for a while.

Peace out my little bloggies!