Melancholy

I don't know why, but I'm getting super annoyed with everything. Probably because of this new job I have. I'm so not used to working on phones like this, and it kind of sucks knowing that when I call someone, they're probably going to end up yelling at me about something. When I first started, I would get filled with dread the second I pulled my car into the parking lot. All the way up until the very first call, and then after that I would struggle on. Now I don't get filled with dread, I just take a breath, go over the procedures in my head, and dial the damn number as quickly as possible so I can't chicken out and put it off any longer. I'm not having as much trouble now as I did before, and of course I'm still making mistakes. However, I think I've found my niche and I'm slowly growing into the customer service/business professional that I never thought I would be.

I wonder if I'm ever going to change into what I saw myself as, or am I going to continue the rest of my life wearing a power suit and trying to talk customers through their issues. I kind of miss the sloppy days of my later childhood, running around the house covered in paint or charcoal and talking about forms and shapes and lines and how everything is a design, everything has it's place whether it's abstract or straight to the point. I might start doing that again. It's summery, it's nice out. I might start going outside and sketching or going to the park to walk around and take pictures.

Because I miss that part of my life. But back then, life was all fresh hot southern style sweet tea and mashed potatoes and faux-granite counter tops and lightening bugs and cartoons and adventures. And my parents. Hanging out in the garage listening to Eve 6 with my dad, or helping mom finish cleaning the house so we could do crafts. Or laying on a blanket in the back yard with my best friend to look at the stars just to accidentally sit in a dog mess. (Thanks Sunny! XD)

I really, really, really miss those days. Because now, my parents aren't together. My mom is in a different state, and I haven't had her sweet tea in three years. And my best friend is busy, and her fiance doesn't want us to hang out. I'm working and engaged, and I'm tired and pissed off most of the time. My apartment is in shambles the way my mind is half the time, and I just don't have the energy. I really just want to sit around and feel sorry for myself because everything's changed. Instead, I'll just write a nostalgic/melancholy post and move on.

It just seems strange though. I'm only nineteen. I thought that you had to be more grown-up to be... well, you know, grown up. I've transitioned from being a dependent to being an independent. I'm worried about taxes and bills and gas prices and groceries. I'm doing all these adult things, but I still feel like a child. I still want to be a child. Not like those people who dress up in adult-size baby clothes and make people treat them like babies, but I'd like to be able to go back in time and re-experience the good parts of my childhood, and not in my dreams. Because when your dreaming, it's not clear. Everything is foggy, and everything is a little off. I want to live and breathe and taste and smell and feel my childhood again!! I miss it! I want my parents back!! I want to go back to my old house I grew up in and take a nice hot shower and come out to the kitchen to a freshly made steaming hot gallon jug of sweet tea that my mom made just for me! And I'm angry because I'm never going to do that again, for as long as I live. I'm upset because I feel like it's not fair, but unfortunately that's the way things are. I keep trying to make myself tea to feel better, to get back to that, but the teabags I have are the cheap kind, and it doesn't taste the same. It taste's bitter every time, and I'm not sure if it's because my memories are spoiled or what I have isn't as good as what I had.

That's probably the hardest piece of this adult reality that I have to swallow. All I can do is fall back into this rut of self-pity once in a while, and then pick myself up again. If I could just go back for one day... and not to any of the bad things. Not to any of the horrible things. Just the good stuff. I wonder if that's what Heaven is like. If it is, then I'm going to be one happy camper. If it's not though, that's fine. Because they say that you'll never be sad or feel pain again when you go there, and I think that sounds nice.

Small Miracles and Some Lyricals

Maybe it was a good idea for me to post the other day!! In regards to "The Amazing Job" that I was laid off from temping at, I received a request for my resume through my temp service. Two hours later, I received a call to come in for an interview on the 28th!! I'm so excited, but also very nervous. I really hope I make a good impression with them, maybe they'll hire me on full time! That would be awesometastic, because I really really really loved that job, and I miss it so much. All of the other employees were awesome, and my managers were great. I'm really hoping this goes well, because I would hate to have to go work somewhere else knowing that someone out there is working my stumbled upon dream job and might not appreciate it as much as I do.

So to keep myself in a pretty good mood, I've been listening to music that I grew up with, as well as some new stuff. The bands include She Wants Revenge, Bowling for Soup, Eve 6, and recently James Vincent McMorrow. Yeah, I know it's a pretty strange range of music, but I'm pretty diverse when it comes to listening and enjoying music. I like James because his music is kind of melancholy, but with a soft relaxed feeling to it. Just a touch of happiness, and it feels like something very fragile that could break if the wind were to blow too hard. I really love his style a lot.

As for movies, the latest movies I've watched have been "Going the Distance" (which was fantastic and I highly recommend) and "The Crow" (the first one). I haven't seen any of the sequels for The Crow, but I've heard mixed reviews for them. I still plan to watch them however, so I can judge for myself whether or not I like them at all. If you haven't seen "The Crow", it's the original comic book turned movie that turned out amazingly well. It's not corny or too far-fetched considering the comic it is based on, and the cinematography and costume design is fantaaaastic!!

For reading, I re-read the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter novels by Laurell K. Hamilton. I haven't read past Danse Macabre, but I do plan on it. I do recall trying to read the one after Danse Macabre, but I couldn't get past the fourth page. I'm hoping maybe this time around I'll have an easier time making my way through it, because the series really did start out great, and I don't want to have to give up on it like this. D:

In regards to video games, I've been playing a strange combination. I've mostly been playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, and considering I'm a girl it's been a little odd, especially now that I have a microphone. However, I'm actually getting a lot better at it, and since you can mute other players if they get out of hand and you still want to play in that particular lobby, I haven't had too many issues. I've also been playing Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, and Devil May Cry. Skyrim is amazing! The graphics are just breathtaking, and the storyline is easy to get into, even if you've never played any of the other games in the series. They had some issues with saved data and trophies getting cleared out, as wells as the game freezing or lagging very badly in some towns. They have patched it however, and it seems to be doing a lot better now. I haven't had any of the issues I was having previously when I played, so I'm happy in those regards. :D
Devil May Cry is an older game, but still pretty good. If your not familiar with it, it's from the same company that made Bayonetta, and the games have similar combat systems on them. Considering the time DMC came out, the graphics are very good, and the story is decent so far. I'm not finished yet though, so I'm not going to pass final judgement on it yet.

Well, those are all of the things I've been doing recently to keep myself busy. Other than that, not much is going on. So, what have you been doing recently? Have any recommendations for me? I'm always open to new ideas and different things. Here's to hoping that your day is awesome!! See ya

A Little Time to Think

I haven't posted on here recently, haven't really been keeping up with this the way I told myself I would. I just got laid off from an amazing job that I really wanted to do for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, there isn't enough work, and since I was only a temp I was let go. The temp agency keeps telling me they'll bring me back and give me a date, and then when the date comes up they say "Oh, well the company has decided to post pone your start date. Sorry!!" and just leave me to either survive until they find me something or attempt to find another job on my own. So I've been filling out applications like a mad man, and staying up late and sleeping all day and smoking like a freight train because I'm not working. I hate not working. I hate just sitting around and filling out applications and posting my resume and only ever hearing back from scams that want to put my "excellent" skills to use swindling poor people out of their hard-earned cash. All this time I've been freaking out, trying to see what I'm doing wrong and why no one wants me, and stressing myself out to the point of extreme exhaustion. Then, yesterday, my fiance pointed out something that I definitely had not been thinking about. He told me to enjoy myself.

Wait a second, we can't afford to eat or pay our bills and you want me to enjoy myself? Doing what?

Well, we are eligible for food stamps... and my parents did say they would help us out. It's not like I'm going to stop filling out applications. Maybe I should treat this like a little vacation. Instead of beating myself up over why people don't want to hire me, maybe I should just brush it off and keep trying. That sounds kind of... refreshing. So I'm definitely going to change things up a bit. I'm going to start writing on here at least once a week. Maybe I'll start doing crafts again. I've also been reading recently, I could do book reviews. I also think I'm going to be doing video game reviews and movie reviews. Maybe even music too!! I've never been really good at one thing, but I have a general capability in lots of different things, so I could technically blog about whatever I want. Technically, this is my blog, so I think I have the right to do that. And I think starting now, I will. :D