I don't know why, but I'm getting super annoyed with everything. Probably because of this new job I have. I'm so not used to working on phones like this, and it kind of sucks knowing that when I call someone, they're probably going to end up yelling at me about something. When I first started, I would get filled with dread the second I pulled my car into the parking lot. All the way up until the very first call, and then after that I would struggle on. Now I don't get filled with dread, I just take a breath, go over the procedures in my head, and dial the damn number as quickly as possible so I can't chicken out and put it off any longer. I'm not having as much trouble now as I did before, and of course I'm still making mistakes. However, I think I've found my niche and I'm slowly growing into the customer service/business professional that I never thought I would be.
I wonder if I'm ever going to change into what I saw myself as, or am I going to continue the rest of my life wearing a power suit and trying to talk customers through their issues. I kind of miss the sloppy days of my later childhood, running around the house covered in paint or charcoal and talking about forms and shapes and lines and how everything is a design, everything has it's place whether it's abstract or straight to the point. I might start doing that again. It's summery, it's nice out. I might start going outside and sketching or going to the park to walk around and take pictures.
Because I miss that part of my life. But back then, life was all fresh hot southern style sweet tea and mashed potatoes and faux-granite counter tops and lightening bugs and cartoons and adventures. And my parents. Hanging out in the garage listening to Eve 6 with my dad, or helping mom finish cleaning the house so we could do crafts. Or laying on a blanket in the back yard with my best friend to look at the stars just to accidentally sit in a dog mess. (Thanks Sunny! XD)
I really, really, really miss those days. Because now, my parents aren't together. My mom is in a different state, and I haven't had her sweet tea in three years. And my best friend is busy, and her fiance doesn't want us to hang out. I'm working and engaged, and I'm tired and pissed off most of the time. My apartment is in shambles the way my mind is half the time, and I just don't have the energy. I really just want to sit around and feel sorry for myself because everything's changed. Instead, I'll just write a nostalgic/melancholy post and move on.
It just seems strange though. I'm only nineteen. I thought that you had to be more grown-up to be... well, you know, grown up. I've transitioned from being a dependent to being an independent. I'm worried about taxes and bills and gas prices and groceries. I'm doing all these adult things, but I still feel like a child. I still want to be a child. Not like those people who dress up in adult-size baby clothes and make people treat them like babies, but I'd like to be able to go back in time and re-experience the good parts of my childhood, and not in my dreams. Because when your dreaming, it's not clear. Everything is foggy, and everything is a little off. I want to live and breathe and taste and smell and feel my childhood again!! I miss it! I want my parents back!! I want to go back to my old house I grew up in and take a nice hot shower and come out to the kitchen to a freshly made steaming hot gallon jug of sweet tea that my mom made just for me! And I'm angry because I'm never going to do that again, for as long as I live. I'm upset because I feel like it's not fair, but unfortunately that's the way things are. I keep trying to make myself tea to feel better, to get back to that, but the teabags I have are the cheap kind, and it doesn't taste the same. It taste's bitter every time, and I'm not sure if it's because my memories are spoiled or what I have isn't as good as what I had.
That's probably the hardest piece of this adult reality that I have to swallow. All I can do is fall back into this rut of self-pity once in a while, and then pick myself up again. If I could just go back for one day... and not to any of the bad things. Not to any of the horrible things. Just the good stuff. I wonder if that's what Heaven is like. If it is, then I'm going to be one happy camper. If it's not though, that's fine. Because they say that you'll never be sad or feel pain again when you go there, and I think that sounds nice.
